[ He glances at Obi-Wan. That heavy mix of shame and guilt lingers but it's less now. Obi-Wan might not have said it but he can feel the approval from his old Master. That should be enough for anyone, any other former Padawan.
Anakin hesitates for a moment, caught between wanting to reach out and keeping himself reserved. He tucks his hands into his coat. ]
I did stop. I thought being a Jedi wasn't going to be a part of my future, but it's part of who I am. I don't think I can deny that. I know I'm not the Jedi you or Qui-Gon wanted me to be...
[ He trails off. He's not apologizing. It doesn't feel right. But he does feel responsible for Obi-Wan's disappointment. For wasting all the time Obi-Wan spent lecturing him. ]
[ Promise me you'll train the boy Qui-Gon whispers, his fingers brushing against Obi-Wan's cheek. Brushing away the tears he should have shed. His only promise - his last promise. Obi-Wan isn't even sure he kept it. But Anakin was much closer to Qui-Gon than Obi-Wan ever was.
Obi-Wan had pushed Anakin away from the Jedi once the truth came out. He thought it was the only way for Anakin to be happy - and that meant to let go the ways of the Jedi. But he was wrong.
He wonders if he really deserves being on the Council. Or perhaps he had been on the Council too long and has lost his way. Either way . . . Obi-Wan should at least acknowledge Anakin's fears. ]
If it helps . . . neither am I.
[ He shakes his head. ] You are who you're meant to be, Anakin. And I'm satisfied with that.
[ It's a hard admission for him, and he's relieved -- beyond relieved that Obi-Wan hadn't had a more negative reaction to it. These are decisions based solely on his emotions. He's not unwilling to make such decisions in the thick of battle but he has time here to remember all those Jedi teachings from his many mentors and Masters who have taught him the one Jedi truism.
Do not let emotions guide your actions. It will be your downfall. You will never be a Jedi if you continue like this.
He wonders briefly if he would have been able to become a Jedi if not for the war and the Republic's demands. If not, for Palpatine.
Then there are Obi-Wan's words. He doesn't feel like he deserves them. He doesn't know who he's meant to be. The Chosen One? He thinks back on Mortis and shakes his head. He's tired. It's loud. He grips Obi-Wan's shoulder momentarily. ]
[ Obi-Wan pauses as well. It has been some time - for both of them. While Obi-Wan remembers a time when the galaxy wasn't in a state of unrest, his life has been turbulent. ]
Why not ask around? Perhaps you'll get a clearer picture.
[ He doesn't want to ask anyone else. It's petulant and arrogant of him to think no one else would understand. But he has reasons made up in his head ]
What do the Jedi do when there's peace in the galaxy?
![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png){kind=small}
no subject
No. You're right, Anakin. It's never good to get swept up in the potential of the future.
no subject
If we can help anyone while we're here, that's enough.
[ Hesitantly: ]
We are still Jedi.
no subject
We certainly haven't stopped. And there are certainly people here who need help.
no subject
Anakin hesitates for a moment, caught between wanting to reach out and keeping himself reserved. He tucks his hands into his coat. ]
I did stop. I thought being a Jedi wasn't going to be a part of my future, but it's part of who I am. I don't think I can deny that. I know I'm not the Jedi you or Qui-Gon wanted me to be...
[ He trails off. He's not apologizing. It doesn't feel right. But he does feel responsible for Obi-Wan's disappointment. For wasting all the time Obi-Wan spent lecturing him. ]
no subject
Obi-Wan had pushed Anakin away from the Jedi once the truth came out. He thought it was the only way for Anakin to be happy - and that meant to let go the ways of the Jedi. But he was wrong.
He wonders if he really deserves being on the Council. Or perhaps he had been on the Council too long and has lost his way. Either way . . . Obi-Wan should at least acknowledge Anakin's fears. ]
If it helps . . . neither am I.
[ He shakes his head. ] You are who you're meant to be, Anakin. And I'm satisfied with that.
[ Proud, but that's harder to say. ]
no subject
Do not let emotions guide your actions. It will be your downfall. You will never be a Jedi if you continue like this.
He wonders briefly if he would have been able to become a Jedi if not for the war and the Republic's demands. If not, for Palpatine.
Then there are Obi-Wan's words. He doesn't feel like he deserves them. He doesn't know who he's meant to be. The Chosen One? He thinks back on Mortis and shakes his head. He's tired. It's loud. He grips Obi-Wan's shoulder momentarily. ]
Thank you. It... It does help.
no subject
( though not from lack of trying ) ]
I hope it does, Anakin. I hope you get some measure of peace.
no subject
I'm not sure what that's suppose to feel like, outside of a war.
no subject
Why not ask around? Perhaps you'll get a clearer picture.
no subject
What do the Jedi do when there's peace in the galaxy?
no subject
[ Even in peace time, while they lingered at the Temple, the Jedi were always busy. There were always missions to be undertaken. ]
no subject
Isn't he? ]
You're right. There's always trouble.
no subject