[ Obi-Wan takes his time with his answer, looking away. ]
. . . I needed to recognize what teaching is. I always saw it as a reflection of myself, my views, my ideas. Perhaps I wasn't the best teacher, in that regard. What I have done, I am proud of. But I don't think I did enough.
Obi-Wan. You trained one of the most difficult students, who -- not to brag -- turned into one of the most talented Jedi during a galactic war. Whatever happens in the future, don't blame yourself. They were... will be my choices.
[ Sometimes, Anakin can blindside Obi-Wan so easily that he simply stops thinking. He could never say something so casually, so openly. But then, Anakin did not know how long and hard Obi-Wan worked to gain Qui-Gon's approval.
Even now, he wonders what Qui-Gon would say, looking at Obi-Wan. Part of the Council, part of the reason his students can't find acceptance in the Order. ]
[ He paused for a moment; he knows his disregard for the Order is something they share, but Qui-Gon has always seemed so tall, so unreachable that he can't even imagine how they could share anything else. He smiles, light and warmth flowing out of him. Because regardless of what he thinks, he knows Obi-Wan doesn't say that lightly. ]
Thank you, Master. For saying that. I know how much he means to you.
[ He recalls the connection he had with Qui-Gon and the pull of the Force he hadn't known anything about yet. ]
He did. He-- He freed me. [ Could have freed his mother, could have left me ] But it's not the same as what you and Qui-Gon shared. He was your Master.
[ He shakes his head lightly, turning away. In those days, talking about Qui-Gon was difficult and Obi-Wan had put him on a pedestal, when he was bereft of guidance. ]
He was that. And more. But perhaps I should have spoken of his flaws too.
[ They've never said it before. They couldn't, wouldn't . . . there were so many reasons between them, an ocean of can'ts and won'ts. Many of them had been of Obi-Wan's making.
But they were making up for it. Standing besides Anakin now . . . it felt they were more than a team. Obi-Wan never denied what Anakin was to him. But he never said it. Even now, the words falter in the face of Anakin's boldness.
( my brother )
So he places his arm on Anakin's shoulder, squeezing it tightly, for all the words Obi-Wan couldn't say, still can't say. ]
[ He's surprised by the touch and nearly scoffs at Obi-Wan's attempt at ...something like a hug. But the inexplicable sense of speechless joy, love and respect flows between their bond, shutting him up. Anakin wears a look of unguarded happiness. This is something even he can't put into words. He simply bows his head and lightly touch the arm on his shoulder.
Thank you, Master echos through their bond but outwardly he says: ]
[ Ah. His expressions softens a little, just a bit. ]
I didn't. Satine did, long ago.
[ They came up with it, fumbling in the dark, mission after mission of rounding supporters for the renegade Duchess. Qui-Gon had been keeping watch and they were tossing ideas at each other over the fire.
Ben sounds undignified, he had protested.
All the more reason to use it, my dear, she replied with a click of her tongue and that had been the end of that. ]
[ Obi-Wan had barely said anything about what happened to the Duchess of Mandalore. He read the reports, of course, but discussing it, he's not sure he or Obi-Wan is ready for that. ]
If you-- [ He starts, paused and wondered what he was doing then push forward when he was answered with 'helping'. ] If you ever want to talk about her, Obi-Wan.
[ He nods. The offer is well meant. Obi-Wan isn't sure he could talk about what happened to Satine. How much of it is tied to guilt, loss and the one man who would not stay dead, who hunted Obi-Wan down with a possessive need to overcome him.
He's spoken about her in pieces, little parts that did not hurt to give away. ]
[ He squeeze Obi-Wan's shoulder and returns to his machinery.
Jedi do not grieve for the lost, they celebrate their return to the Force. They never talked about his mother's death after the initial backlash, they probably won't talk about this either.
So he turns it around for lighter conversation. ]
"Old Ben" kind of catches on. You never know what kind of things an "Old Ben" could get up to.
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Huh. I thought you were done with teaching. For a while.
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. . . I needed to recognize what teaching is. I always saw it as a reflection of myself, my views, my ideas. Perhaps I wasn't the best teacher, in that regard. What I have done, I am proud of. But I don't think I did enough.
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[ He smiles, a little sad, to himself. ]
The little girl. What's she like?
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[ He doesn't believe he led Anakin or Ahsoka astray, but it was hard to reconcile at times. ]
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Sounds like someone I know.
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[ Though Obi-Wan does an impressive job of it. ]
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I think he'd be proud. [ More casual wrench flinging ] Of us.
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Even now, he wonders what Qui-Gon would say, looking at Obi-Wan. Part of the Council, part of the reason his students can't find acceptance in the Order. ]
I see a lot of him in you.
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Thank you, Master. For saying that. I know how much he means to you.
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He meant a lot to you too.
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He did. He-- He freed me. [ Could have freed his mother, could have left me ] But it's not the same as what you and Qui-Gon shared. He was your Master.
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[ He shakes his head lightly, turning away. In those days, talking about Qui-Gon was difficult and Obi-Wan had put him on a pedestal, when he was bereft of guidance. ]
He was that. And more. But perhaps I should have spoken of his flaws too.
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But they were making up for it. Standing besides Anakin now . . . it felt they were more than a team. Obi-Wan never denied what Anakin was to him. But he never said it. Even now, the words falter in the face of Anakin's boldness.
( my brother )
So he places his arm on Anakin's shoulder, squeezing it tightly, for all the words Obi-Wan couldn't say, still can't say. ]
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Thank you, Master echos through their bond but outwardly he says: ]
You're getting soft in your old age.
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I don't think you're one to talk . . . grandpa.
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I think Luke calls you Old Ben. Did you know that?
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I heard. I'm not sure why. I assume it was my attempt to have some kind of alias. I kind of wish I had chosen something else.
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At least it's not Rako Hardeen. [ And when the light humour fades, the nagging knowledge of why Obi-Wan needs an alias weighs down on his shoulders. ]
You don't really look like a Ben. Why would you pick that?
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I didn't. Satine did, long ago.
[ They came up with it, fumbling in the dark, mission after mission of rounding supporters for the renegade Duchess. Qui-Gon had been keeping watch and they were tossing ideas at each other over the fire.
Ben sounds undignified, he had protested.
All the more reason to use it, my dear, she replied with a click of her tongue and that had been the end of that. ]
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If you-- [ He starts, paused and wondered what he was doing then push forward when he was answered with 'helping'. ] If you ever want to talk about her, Obi-Wan.
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He's spoken about her in pieces, little parts that did not hurt to give away. ]
I know. Just . . . not yet.
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Jedi do not grieve for the lost, they celebrate their return to the Force. They never talked about his mother's death after the initial backlash, they probably won't talk about this either.
So he turns it around for lighter conversation. ]
"Old Ben" kind of catches on. You never know what kind of things an "Old Ben" could get up to.
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